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How to talk to men: the art of conversation for escorts
August 18, 2014 | For escorts
While many escorting dates end up with activities between consenting adults that is often not the only or even the main reason a man seeks an escort encounter. As the lovely Joni Mitchell wrote,
He comes for conversation
I comfort him sometimes
Comfort and consultation
He knows that’s what he’ll find
Men are both terribly complicated and deeply simple creatures. For an escort the deep simplicity is understood and, in a way, the complexity is simply put to one side but both create the opportunity for conversation and not a little comfort and consultation.
by Hannah Jay
At its most fundamental the escort/client relationship is confidential. Even if a man takes a courtesan to a White House dinner – and it has been known to happen – no one but the escort and her patron have any idea that money has changed hands and that there is a greater than zero chance of intimacy after dinner.
At every level of the business, from cheap and cheerful service providers to mistresses and courtesans, a client is looking to have his needs taken care of quietly and discreetly. The more of those needs a girl can service the more likely the client is to return and the more likely the client is to tip, book longer sessions or be willing to pay more for priority access.
A man seeking an escort encounter is usually looking for several things at once: first the obvious and I will not dwell on that. Second a step outside his ordinary life.
As an escort a girl needs to realize that much of the attraction of an escort experience is that it is not “every day”. It is clandestine to a degree, trangressive – those marriage vows are being broken along with any number of taboos – more than a little “naughty” in that it flirts with illegality and the possibility of real reputational harm. At the same time a visit to an escort, or from an escort, offers the possibility of a safe, private place in which a man can talk about his needs, desires and fantasies with a woman who, in theory takes a professional, non-judgmental view of what she is told or asked to do.
Just as a surprising number of men ask escorts the old chesnut, “What is a nice girl like you doing in a business like this.”, a surprising number of escorts don’t bother to ask their clients “Why are you here?” Which, as in counseling or the legal profession or medicine, is always the most important question to ask.
Conversationally, “Why are you here?” is an open ended question which is to say that in asking it the escort is not presuming any particular answer. She might get a rather explicit answer from some of her friskier clients but as a general rule, asked kindly, “Why are you here?” gives her client a chance to speak openly about his expectations and desires for the escort encounter.
It is not a question to ask when the client first walks in the door. Rather it is a question which opens up the encounter once the preliminaries of coat and cash have been settled and the gentleman caller is comfortably seated. And even then, a wise escort may make a good deal of small talk before coming to the nub of the matter.
This is very much a “lean in” question for an escort. She wants her client to hear the question and her body language should tell her client that she is interested, genuinely interested, in his answer.
People who listen for a living – from psychologists to focus group managers to escorts – develop the capacity to do something called “active listening”. It is a learnable skill and a huge plus for any escort. “Active listening” is nothing more than the listener giving the speaker clues and cues to continue speaking. Some of these are the obvious verbal, “Tell me more.” or “And how do you feel about that?”, some are nothing more than body language – leaning towards the speaker, facially responding to what they are saying – and some are surprisingly subtle: for example, sitting with your arms crossed tends to shut down conversation, putting your elbows to the side and holding one or both palms up looks invitational. Escorts tend to develop great skills reading other people’s body language but it is just as important for an escort to pay attention to her own.
Using very basic active listening techniques and body language an escort can create a safe space in which her client begins to be able to speak comfortably. This is a huge gift to give a client because, as he becomes more comfortable. he is able to relax and actually begin to enjoy himself.
There is an old joke about the egomaniac who says, “Well, that’s enough about you, let’s talk about me.” An escort is not hired to talk about herself, rather, like the Japanese geisha her job is to let her client say what he needs to say. Many men are effectively silenced – at their jobs they have to be careful what they say, at home, after a long marriage, their wife has heard their stories and their children pay them little attention. The very nature of a fragmented, noisy, distracting, world means that many of an escort’s clients have not managed to finish a sentence in weeks much less have their words attended to.
So while many people mischaracterize men visiting escorts as paying for sex, a better characterization of the escort encounter is that the client is paying for the escort’s full attention. Her willingness to place her client at the focus of her attention for the time the date is supposed to last is one of the hallmarks of a successful escort.
A clever escort is careful to set the stage for her encounter. A simple thing like turning off the smart phone ringer and the email alerts sets the mood. Her client, after he is comfortable, perhaps with a refreshment, can see by the escort’s preparations that she is now entirely focused on him. There is nothing more flattering than the full attention of a pretty young woman.
Active listening sets the stage for conversation and conversation lets a client know his companion is actually interested in who he is and what he thinks. Conversation is the engine of seduction and seduction is why some escorts have many regulars and others must be content with random visits from hobbyists.
Without being entirely cynical about it, a savvy escort will try to steer the conversation with her clients to the places they want to talk about. And she’ll tease. After all, in any but the shortest dates, the main event needs more than a few preliminaries. Each of these can have an escalating level of erotic frission; but there is no point in chatting about adult activities until the escort’s client is actually ready. Taking the time to put your client at his ease, to actually ask him why he is there, to find out how his day or week has gone, breaks the ice and tends to ensure that the other activities very much are of a piece.
Part of the art of feminine conversation, and a part which is too often neglected, is that the escort is very much in charge. She takes the lead and sets the pace. Remember that many of the men who can afford an escort’s fees, spend most of their working day leading. They are the “go to guy” at their law firm or in their company. It is pressure which many men have simply internalized. They don’t even notice they are required to be in charge from the time they hit the office door. Other men spend their time selling. And selling, just like leading, is all about taking the initiative, answering objections, closing the sale.
For successful men an hour or two in which they are not expected to be in control, not required to lead the discussion or win the meeting is a hugely welcome change of pace. Simply by asking easy questions and listening attentively to the client’s answers an escort is able to guide the conversation and control the pace of the date.
Can an escort flirt? Of course she can. And she should. At an early stage in a date, as she is leaning in to show how closely she is listening to her client, it never hurts to lightly touch his arm. Nor will it detract from the conversation if an escort, engaged in listening, dangles a high heel or undoes a button on her blouse. If her client comments, so much the better. But a quick deflection with, “Plenty of time for that a bit later.” will pique his interest.
A twenty minute conversation between an escort and her client can easily move from strangers passing small talk to an intimate conversation about what the client enjoys about women. If the mood is set and the fees paid that intimate conversation can move from words to action with the escort leading the way. We will draw a discreet veil over the activities of consent adults and move on.
The end of the encounter, the few minutes of dressing and leaving, are, conversationally, where an escort can go a long way towards converting a one time client to being a regular. Now, it is a well known phenomena that men, having been serviced, often want to scoot out of the encounter or have the escort leave almost instantly. Part of what they are paying for is avoiding the intimacy which a non-escort date pretty much demands after sex. It is an almost physical male response.
A clever escort recognizes this but also understands that her client would be delighted with praise for his performance and reassurance that his more exuberant activities, or his particular desires, were very welcome indeed. The key here is to realize that psychologically, once a client has been serviced he steps out of his fantasy about his escort experience and into a moment of buyer’s remorse. Getting past that moment will create a hugely positive memory for the escort’s client.
In this post-glow conversation an escort’s client is particularly aware that to an escort the earlier activities were “just business”. Which they were but a clever escort will find ways to push that fact to one side while she pursues her own agenda. And what is that agenda?
First off, if an escort cares about reviews, this is the time to ask for one. The straight “ask” will be understood by hobbyists but may have to be put a little differently for gentlemen who may not be part of this world. (In many cases, delightful as getting a review might be, tactically asking a non-hobbyist for one may be a mistake.)
Second, after the encounter but before the escort’s client leaves, the escort needs to decide if she wants to encourage him to become a regular. That is very much her decision at this stage. If she does then being clear is important.
Busy escorts can find it all too easy to end their dates with a “patter”. “You were great honey. I’d love to see you again. Here’s my number.” sounds as if the girl is running an assembly line. Avoiding that sort of mechanical conversation is easy if you have already established a bit of rapport at the beginning of your date.
Getting past the buyer’s remorse is about establishing a connection with a specific person who has a name, a set of preferences and techniques and a life which you have, if you have been clever, gained a glimpse of.
Start with another open ended question, something like, “I just had a wonderful time, what was your favorite thing?” It doesn’t matter what the answer is, as an active listener, you will be ready to follow up with a simple but enticing response, “Perfect. That’s one of the things I just love doing for a man. Next time you are here we can really explore. First times are always a little awkward for me.” And now the closer, “Was I what you were looking for?”
What this sort of sequence does is put the escort’s client in a protective role. She is asking him for his affirmation and most men are terrifically flattered to be asked. Rather than scuttering out the door, many clients will take a little time to reassure the escort that her work was excellent. As they do they are powerfully convincing themselves they have had a wonderful time and that the escort was worth every penny.
Yes, this does take a little while. Call it five minutes rather than two; but it is the most effective marketing an escort can do for herself because now she is converting a one time client into a regular.
The final close, when with two hands in the traditional Japanese style, you present your soon to be regular with your very discreet card, is simple and respectful – “Thank you so much for a wonderful time. I’m hoping you’ll be able to slip away for a few hours very soon and when you can you can reach me here.”
Never underestimate the allure of a polite, respectful girl asking a man to return and have her again. Especially, when she is wearing little more than a transparent robe. Done well, the little ceremony of leaving will remind the escort’s client that he wants to come back.
For comfort and conversation. Like Joni says.
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